I am a 5’6″ tall writer. This is a story about how, when I weighed 142 pounds, I was a size 8-10.
And then I lost 30 pounds and now that I weigh 112, I am a size 2-4.
Recreating the previous pose, in my back yard, Thursday afternoon. That’s yesterday, for those of you Dear Readers reading this on Friday.
Yes, as you can see, I have lost a whole big fat lazy cat’s worth of flubber (foreground, which we call “Lickety”). Since I have mentioned this weight loss before, and a few of you Dear Readers have asked how I did it, today I think it’s time that I shared with you the secret of how I got skinny.
It started with what I call:
The Bounty of the Streets Long Island Diet.
Here’s how it goes: It is dawn at the local Long Island Rail Road Station, and for the commute into Manhattan…
… and the streets offer a breakfast of banana, three tangerines, and half a bottle of orange juice.
Lunch comes in the form of a nutritious and calorie-soncscious hard-boiled egg…
…and for Dinner, YUM! The American classic!:
But of course, I jest. I will resist the urge to digress on the subject of The People of Long Island Are Pigs.
So here’s how I actually lost 30 pounds last year on what I call The Beige Food Diet.
Here is an ordinary box of Whoppers. I think they are called Malteasers in the UK.
This is a Whopper:
It is a malted milk ball, and it is not at all whopping big — it’s about the size of a marble. I happen to really like Whoppers, but it’s not because of the chocolate. It’s the beige inside of the Whopper that makes it my favorite food:
That’s the malted part of the milk ball. I have no idea what “malted”, or “malt” is, but I love the taste. But of course I didn’t go on the Whopper Diet.
This discussion of Whoppers is what we professional writers call a “teaser”. Or a “lead.” Or “foreshadowing.” I forget which.
It’s how we get a reader’s attention. Are you still with me? So let’s skip ahead to the scientific part of the story, the good news that I long to share with you all:
Back in January/February of 2014, I read about an instant food that was devised by computer guys in Silicon Valley. Nothing says YUM like Silicon Valley instant food. So I immediately ordered the starter kit, which cost $80.00:
Yes, it’s called Soylent. Those kids in Silicon Valley really know their pop culture.
Turned out that the demand for Soylent is so high that I had to wait six months to get my first shipment.
In your starter kit you get a pitcher, a measuring cup, a booklet all about the instant food you are about to ingest, 8 bags of Soylent, and 8 little bottles of oil mixture:
This photo above represents 32 meals of Soylent.
A pitcher of Soylent stays good for 48 hours, but I prefer to mix my Soylent case-by-case. That is, meal by meal.
The way I mix individual portions is I use an old Smuckers organic peanut butter jar. You have to shake your Soylent mixture and my old Smuckers organic jar comes with a lid. Fancy!
So, first, I measure out one measuring cup of Soylent powder:
The powder smells insanely wonderful, like cake mix. Sweet, and delicate, and nostalgic.
Then I add 2 teaspoons of oil stuff. It includes various plant oils and some fish oils, but it does NOT smell or taste “fishy”. In fact, it is as bland as sunflower oil:
Then I add two measuring cups of water:
Then I shake it for 60 seconds to blend it thoroughly:
Add ice cubes and voila: I have a hearty, nutritious meal:
Many people complain about the taste of Soylent, so they doctor it up with flavorings such as banana (barf) or peanut butter (drinkable peanut butter? Oh, puke.) or chocolate. I think they are all crazy. Pure Soylent tastes just like the inside of a Whopper and, in case you haven’t noticed, it LOOKS like it too!
Soylent is my go-to food, and I highly recommend it, but Soylent actually only helped me lose the last 10-12 of my 30 pounds, although it has helped me maintain my current weight of 112 for over a year.
Here’s the real and honest truth.
I do not want to swindle you, my Dear Readers, into thinking that my losing 30 pounds was pure will power on my superhuman part. Who do I think I am? — Nicole “No Botox/I’m Afraid of Surgery” Kidman?
My weight loss started in January of 2014, when I became very, very, very, very pissed off with Top Cat. My husband is a kind and generous and funny and sexy man and I adore him. But you know how it is, if ever you’ve been married. Every once in a while — in my case, every decade or so (in an eleven-year marriage) — there comes a time when you hate your spouse’s guts so much that you want to turn them into Prometheus just so you can eviscerate them with your bare hands, and then wait overnight for their liver to re-generate, and go back the next day and gorge them with a butter knife and yank out their bloody entrails inch by agonizing inch, and wait overnight so in the morning you can go after them with an ice pick and hack at their bile ducts until they look like hamburger… We’ve all been there, right? Right?
Yes. I was a snarling, adrealine-crazed, vicious, screaming, out-of-control madwoman who was righteously and revengefully furious at her spouse. The only reason i didn’t kill him was because I couldn’t think of a way that I could get away with it.
Well, eventually, the issue got resolved, and I accepted that when I married the love of my life, I did so because the problems that this adorable, complex, irresistible creature presented were the problems that I chose to make my life meaningful.
However, the good thing is that, because of all this hatred that I lived and breathed for six weeks, I completely lost my appetite . Most of all, I lost all interest in comfort eating. The whole time I was in a rage, I gave not a thought about my darling Rice Krispies Treats, my vanilla Oreos, my Heath Bars, my Sugar Babies, my Milk Duds, my Whoppers, my etc etc etc.
When, before I knew it, I’d lost 20 pounds, I did not let my sweet tooth take hold up again. I turned to Soylent, and an eating plan based on actual need (not want), and here I am. I weigh as much as I did in high school and I am never hungry. And I feel pretty damn good.
My excess 30 pounds wishes all of you a Happy Weekend.
More info about Soylent:
Soylent™ was developed from a need for a simpler food source. Creator Robert Rhinehart and team developed Soylent after recognizing the disproportionate amount of time and money they spent creating nutritionally complete meals.
Soylent is a food product (classified as a food, not a supplement, by the FDA) designed for use as a staple meal by all adults. Each serving of Soylent provides maximum nutrition with minimum effort.
What is Soylent made of? (Hint: It’s not people.)
Carbohydrates — 255g
Protein — 114g
Fatty Acids — 70g
Omega 3 Fatty Acids — 2.5g
Fiber — 27g
Potassium — 3500mg
Sodium — 1050mg
Calcium — 1000mg
Phosphorus — 700mg
Magnesium — 400mg
Vitamin Bp — 1375mg
Vitamin C — 90mg
Vitamin B3 — 16mg
Vitamin E — 15mg
Zinc — 11mg
Iron — 21.5mg
Vitamin B5 — 5mg
Manganese — 2.3mg