…and he’s the guy that, like, this other girl told me was all snotty but all the girls want to date him because he’s really hot. Oh, yeah, Forks H. S. is in Washington state, like practically Canada. So, like, I’m sitting next to him, the guy I just told you about, because he’s my lab partner, and then he’s all like, “I want to transfer out of this biology class,” and I’m all like “Dude, what is your problem?” because, like, he acts like he hates me. And then he’s all like “Sorry, we should start over,” I’m all like “Whatever,” until this one day I’m in the parking lot at school and he like saves my life from a run away car and he’s all “Whatever” and I’m all “Dude, you saved my life,” and then he saves me from being raped or whatever (that’s the thing about small towns in the misty, moody Northwest, it’s all, like, drama drama drama) and then I start to think that he’s like supernatural or something…turns out he’s this vampire and we fall in love mostly because I like having all the other girls envy me and stare at me like they are all thinking “Why her?” and I’m all “Whatever.”
So that’s the plot of Twilight, the first movie made from Stephanie Meyers’ hideously popular novel series about, well, vampires in Washington state.
The hot vampire called Edward Cullen is played by British hearthrob Robert Pattinson.
Vampires, in Stephanie Meyers’ world, are irresistibly aloof, their froideur masking turbulent passions and veritable lava flows of emotions. They are powerful — strong, capable of killing a man with one bare hand, and mesmerizing, holding wimmen enthralled by the merest glance from their steely eyes. They are long-lived; Edward is a youngster at a mere 100 years old. They are calm and oh, so cultured, too — a by-product of having paced this earth in some kind of moral or psychological dilemma for centuries.
In my day, we had another name for these creatures whose love was forbidden:
We called then “Vulcans”. Oh, Mr. Spock, you unobtainable object of my pre-teen lust.
So, in Twilight, this vampire named Edward falls for this human named Bella for reasons that aren’t clear, seeing as how Bella’s personality seems to be all about withholding the love and approval that her dip shit parents crave. But then, what female character in what Hollywood movie ever has a personality?
What I don’t get is that this vampire Edward is supposed to have been around for about 100 years, and like the rest of his vampire family he’s earned multiple high school and college degrees…yet, for all his erudition this Edward vampire chooses to hang with a high school junior??
But I quibble. The whole twilight phenomenon is not about the vampires, really, as much as it’s about young girls’ need to star in love stories that are passionate yet safe, and for this generation vampires fit the bill. They are the 21st century’s Heathcliffs.
Who knows. Maybe in 100 years’ time, Stephanie Meyers will be the 22nd century’s Emily Bronte.
And in 100 years’ time I don’t care whether or not I’m the 22nd century’s Beatrix Potter or Edith Holden; all I really want to be is the 22nd century’s oldest living Star Trek fan.