Another Week In Which I Wish I Were Canadian.

Let’s not talk about the latest bullshit that der Drumpf has concocted to distract from the fact that he is a sniveling manboy in hock up to his eyeballs to Putin; let’s talk about how awesome it’s going to be to watch der Drumpf’s staff blow up each other until all that is left is a pus-filled carcass that is the true heart of the der Drumpf administration. (One word, synonymous with “lighting the stick of dynamite”: Scaramucci.)

Just another Drumpf staffer, making ‘Murica great.

Even thinking of der Drumpf probably makes you feel dirty. So let us cleanse our psyches by going to a land where ass-holery is not so highly revered, such as Australia. . .

If it’s CUTe you’re looking for, you can always count on a wallaby.

. . . or Canada . . .

Just think. But for the 48th parallel, he could have been OURS.

(Just to compare the awesome body language of a real high-quality manly man who is smart and worldly and has accomplished beaucoup on his own v. the weird posing of a snot-nosed mini-turd chip-off-the-block of a cess pool, regardez-vous, s’il vous plait🙂

. . . or my house. Here’s my sweet mama cat Candy with her oaf son, Lickety, on our cookbook shelf in the dining room when it was 95 degrees last week and snoozing in a sun beam was not an option:

That doesn’t look all that comfortable to me but I have to trust that even my cats know where the cool spots are even though, in the brain power department, my cats are rather like the night-lights you switch on in the brain power department when the store is closed and it’s midnight. Because they’re cats: Pure id, fulfilling the pleasure principle.

Speaking of our stemware collection, many months ago Top Cat, for no reason other than curiosity, decided to go gluten-free. Fine: He substituted his half-a-bagel at breakfast for a rice cake, he cut back on the Doritos, he cheated every Saturday with ciabatta, and he lost 5 pounds. Then, inevitably, since he was not snacking as heartily as he used to, he cut out his usual side dish to his Cool Ranch Doritos:

He quit drinking.

So it’s been almost a month that he’s been dry and last Sunday he told me that I should quit drinking, too, because it’s not healthy that I drink every day.

First of all: Every Day??

I WISH. 

Oh, how I wish that the usual laws of physics did not apply to me so I could have two glasses of wine (OK, three.) (OK! OK! Four.) every day and not end up looking like this:

Or this:

Yes, Lickety is the Otis of our house.

Oh well. It’s useless to argue facts with a person once he has entered the Come to Jesus phase of his self-improvement regime.

So now, in addition to making it through the all the school nights of the week (that’s Monday thru Thursday) and counting the hours until Friday’s blessed arrival of the 5 o’clock angel, I will have to enjoy my beverage[s] in private, sitting in my room by myself watching reruns of Deep Space Nine. Which actually sounds like a pretty hot date: I have a thing for Gul Dukat. (Well, who doesn’t??)

I have to admit that my weekendly rendez-vous with my favorite Pinot Grigiots or white Bordeaux is one of the least boring, nay, most fun things I do, period. I’ve never particularly liked the things that other girls liked: the shopping, the make up, the long phone calls, the crafting get-togethers, “networking”, or beer. I tried a book club but the prospect of reading that much fiction kind of made me want to puke. I have zero interest in quilting. Seriously: Can you see me getting into flower arranging?? No, I am NOT joining a church, or a bluegrass band, or, honestly, anything that involves putting up with other people. The things that some people find fun, well, they bore me.

In April I signed up for Sign Language classes at our local library — that’s been . . . well. . . not exactly fun, but not exactly not fun either. It’s been engrossing. I’m not bored! And I found a delightful study buddy in that class: we meet every Sunday to teach ourselves the signs for our favorite Beatles songs, and then we have wine. That’s fun.

So this past Monday I met with the instructor of ASL at Hofstra University for an evaluation, as I am considering taking my interest in American Sign Language to a new level and I was hoping that I’d test out of the university’s Beginner classes. That evaluation was not fun, because it turns out that taking an ASL class at your library does not, in any way, equip you with the rudimentary conversation skills it takes to hold your own with a fluent, native [deaf] signer. She asked me what I did for work and where I lived and why I wanted to learn ASL, and all I wanted to do was show her that I knew the words to Yesterday.

This week I also taught myself how to make Greek spinach pie. It wasn’t FUN, but it wasn’t not FUN either. Maybe my standards for FUN are too high?

Thank you for your compliments, last week, about my foray into fashion design. I wear that top all the time, and I love it. So, yeah, that was fun. And thanks, Christine, for the nice comment on my hair. I’m letting it get longer for no reason other than my stylist is taking the Summer off. I like it so far, but I don’t want to go long again, I think.

Patricia: When I got home from the hospital emergency room, the raccoon 9see: last week’s post) was still sitting on top of the fence. His foot was not stuck; he was just sitting there. This was not a well raccoon. So I called Animal Control and a guy came and scooped him up in a net and he was euthanized, because fence-sitting for hours at a time is not normal raccoon behavior. His brain was tested and that’s how I got the all-clear re: rabies.

Ann: Would I do that again, put my hands on a raccoon? Nope. I’d call in the professionals at Animal Control asap. I’ll stick to feral cat rescue from now on.

Merci, Margot: Kissing, Tickling, and Being Bored — I’m in. Thanks for the recommendation. *Sigh* I do need more fun. Or more wine.

Have a great weekend, everyone.

10 Comments, RSS

  1. Casey July 28, 2017 @ 7:33 am

    You are hilarious. I love the side by side comparison of a real man and drumpfy jr. The difference is very stark, like it is between drumpfy sr. and our dear Hillary. But I can’t go down that rabbit hole. I might cry.

    Congratulations on learning sign language. It’s a great intellectual challenge and I hope your classes are capital-F fun.

    Give your furry Otis a kiss from me. He looks like he’s always having fun, even when he sleeps. It’s Friday! Let’s both enjoy our weekend wine!

  2. jeanie July 28, 2017 @ 9:30 am

    I was very sad in the weeks pre-gallbladder surgery when wine was off limits. I’m a red wino but summer is Pinot Gris time, chilled and perfect! What is it about people that stop eating something? They want to convert the world. And even if they don’t try to make you do it, they keep talking about it themselves and how it is so amazing for them and it makes you feel like you’re being judged. (OK, I’m projecting, but my friend who nixed sugar has been unbearable.) I get it when you have a medical reason, or even if you’re trying to lose but don’t make the rest of the world feel bad because we want peanut butter cookies and a baguette for breakfast. Rant done.

    Love the contrast of real man and Junior and can’t wait to hear what you come up with about the Mooch. Oh, and for fun, go to a concert and watch the sign language interpreter. We have some great ones who get so into it — they’re sometimes much better than the performers.

    Loving Lickety and his new perch but Candy looks like she’s ready to depart! Not quite so settled and mellow as he is!

  3. Thea July 28, 2017 @ 4:54 pm

    A main reason I do not give up a cocktail and half-bottle of wine with a good meal is the distress it would cause my good husband who then would have to go it alone. Sooner or later Top Cat will see light.

  4. Becky July 28, 2017 @ 5:36 pm

    I love the wallaby with the teddy. So sweet.
    And Justin Trudeau is so dreamy….too bad we aren’t listening to him discuss the direction our nation should go in.
    Watching the news this week makes me think we have entered a new realm of cesspool-ism. That’s not a real word but sadly it fits.
    I think it’s great that you have learned sign language. As with all endeavors you never know where knowledge will take you. A celebratory glass of wine sounds in order!
    The picture of Lickety all sprawled out made me laugh. Complete relaxation for sure!

  5. Casey July 28, 2017 @ 7:03 pm

    OMG, just reading my news feed. You were right. The Mooch just lit a fire that burned Priebus at the stake. Can’t wait to see what comes next.

  6. Kirra July 29, 2017 @ 5:08 am

    I have to say, Australian animals are cute! Except for the poisonous ones.

    I feel like Americans are wishing they were in Canada, the English in France with their cool new young president and us Ausralians are all secretly wishing we were in the much more humane New Zealand (you know we still haven’t leagalised gay marriage, even though yet my state of South Australia was second after NZ in giving women the right to vote and the first in the world allowing them to stand for election to parliament).

    I think learning sign language and making Greek spinach pie are great ways to stay not bored, I would like to do both those things! Or just hang around watching your entertaining cats.

    I agree, I don’t drink every day but it would not be a fun week without some wine! It’s great for top cat to do it but you don’t need to. I’ll also say that I’ve tried gluten free eating and while it is good I’ve gone back to eating whole grains as well, I think a balanced diet is best based on what I’ve read (processed gluten free flour is not necessarily better for you). Plus I saw a science show where they found out how important fibre is for you, corn has fibre and therefore corn chips have fibre and are one of my top snacks. Just putting in my two cents, I agree with Jeanie about the annoying quit sugar people! I just try to share information, not tell people what to do I hope.

    Cheers all! Have a good weekend 🙂

  7. Marilyn July 29, 2017 @ 5:05 pm

    Oh, I am laughing! You made my day with the Drump comments, then onto what is fun and what is not. Then I scroll down to leave a comment and see Jeanie’s comment about eating peanut butter cookies. Guess what? I am sitting here eating just that and loving it. So let all have fun together!

  8. Marg-o July 30, 2017 @ 12:14 pm

    That is too funny, the juxtaposition of Trudeau with Donny Jr. As they say, A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words. Wait. Do I even know a thousand four-letter words to describe this POS family?

    I hope to hear more about your sign language classes.

  9. Christine August 3, 2017 @ 11:38 am

    Let’s all move to Canada. My husband is looking at Escape the Regime real estate in Ireland, but my children live here, so what to?

    So interesting about learning ASL! Would like to hear more as you progress. We all want instant mastery of a new skill and forget there is always a learning curve, which is rather uncomfortable.

    The smartest folks I know are always moving forward with new and varied undertakings.

  10. Janet August 14, 2017 @ 8:19 am

    imagine, if you will, your perfecting your skill with american sign language to the point where you are asked to ‘sign’ a speech from the orange turd in the oval ~ he spews, and you sign the most hilarious interpretation/rebuttal, LIVE!! his minions are so intellectually lazy that nobody checks, and the planet laughs.
    ahhh…

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