How to think like a man, Part One:

hoarders

I’m not a very good housekeeper. (No, that’s not my kitchen, not today; that’s a still from the great A&E show called Hoarders, Mon. night at 10).

The reason why I am not a very goodhousekeeper is because I think too much like a man. At dinner the other night I was sitting at my dining room table watching my husband feed the cats bits of chicken from his plate. He does this almost every night, because he’s the meat eater and I didn’t raise dumb cats: they are not hanging around moi hoping that bits of pasta will drop from the sky.  And when I say “drop from the sky”, I mean ” drop from the hoomin who can’t resist a cute kitty face looking up at him, wondering if there’s  anything tasty that he might like to share with poor starving kitty cats”.

I looked down at the hardwood floor in our dining room, splattered with many a night’s kitty-cat treats dropping from the sky, and I said to my husband, “Jeeze. This floor needs a good washing.”

And then, a few days afterwards, I looked at the floor again and I was surpirsed that it still needed washing, even though we don’t have a cleaning lady and my husband is not in the habit of washing floors.

Because — and here’s where the Thinking Like A Man comes in — I had given myself so many points for just noticing that the floor needed washing that I thought my work was done.  And that, my friends, is Thinking Like a Man.

Men keep score very differently from women — this is something I’ve written about before, but it bears repeating.  

Let’s say that it takes 100 points a day to earn your place in the world.  Here’s how a man keeps score:

Woke up without a hangover, no sign of puke either:  25 points

Got out of the shower and didn’t drop the towel on the floor where yesterday’s towel is moldering: 15 points

Put on clean socks and boxers, not the old ones that I dropped on the floor last night next to that damp disgusting towel, although I think I could get one more use out of them: 25 points

Thought about picking up the dry cleaning, maybe, if I have the time today: 15 points

Made my own breakfast: 20 points

There you have it. Most men have already awarded themselves their 100 points and earned their rightful place on earth (as one of the universe’s favorite  children) by the time they finish breakfast.

Here’s how a woman keeps score:

Woke up and I’m not as beautiful as Angelina Jolie:  minus 25 points.

Got out of shower without simultaneously answering my emails and making breakfast: minus 150 points

Put on clothes that still make me look fat: minus 100 points

Thought about my TO DO list today, jotted down a few more things that need to be done: minus 1000 points: I’m already behind!

Made breakfast, promised myself a big glass of wine (or two) at dinner if I get everything done today: 0 points — I dont’ deserve points for anything that makes me happy.

See: Most women never give themselves enough points to earn their place in the world. And worse: when they get married , they let the men keep score.

Do you know how many points the average husband will give himself for telling his wife that they’re out of toilet paper? It’s like a thousand bazillion points. Do you know how many points the average husband will give his wife for going to the store and getting the toilet paper, the right kind of toilet paper,  and putting it on the roll and storing the extras in the linen closet before she gets out the vacuum cleaner and starts picking up his towels and underwear from the floor?  None.

And from what I’ve seen from my friends’ lives, teenagers are even worse score keepers, but don’t even get me started.

I, for one, want to live my life as if I’m one of the universe’s favorite children. So that’s why I think like a man, and am surprized when the dining room floor doesn’t wash itself.

P.S. I did wash the dining room floor today and I gave myself a hundred kajillion points. I’m good until 2044.

10 comments to How to think like a man, Part One:

  • thanks for the morning laugh. I get at least 1000 points from reading your blog daily!!!

  • Suzanne B

    OMG – this was hilarious and sooooo true!

  • Oh, truer words were never spoken!
    My husband does not cook. Just “does not” and that is supposed to be a good enough reason. So one night when I was fed up with that (and there have been many), I just went into the living room at dinner time and flopped in front of the TV next to him. Nothing was said for a few moments. Then, the following conversation ensued:
    He: What are you doing?
    Me: Waiting for somebody to put dinner in front of me – just like you.
    He: Silence . . . . . . . . (puzzled expression)
    He: But I’m hungry,
    Me: Sounds like a personal problem to me. Why don’t you go cook us something?
    He: I don’t cook.
    Me: So I’ve heard.

    We both snuck and had peanut butter toast later – because it was a stand-off, you know. I didn’t win and he still doesn’t cook, but I got a chuckle out of the conversation anyway.

  • Sandy in Guilford CT

    Ahhhh the new Math!! Love it!

  • Barb Hendrickson

    I get points too, but unlike completely collaged, I only allow myself 500 hundred points because I read it late in the day….(not a morning person here) Thanks for a great laugh any time of the day!

    bh

  • I had my laugh yoga for sure! Not only was your story funny and true but it made me think! My husband does more than most men but he gives himself all those extra points too and what made me think was when you said the man doesn’t give the wife the points like he gives himself. It’s true – and I don’t like it. Then I read Jessica’s story, laughed again as I can’t count how many times I’ve snuck into the kitchen for food when I’m hiding out in a snit! Now, how do I go about evening up the point score? Hmmm, a challenge….

  • Rachel

    If any of your readers are mothers of sons, their work is cut out for them. Somebody taught those guys how to count and it wasnt me. I loved your story, I know this is true, but never put it so clearly. And it does not get any better when you share a work area at work with guys who already have their 100 points for the day, but then add on a gazillion more for showing up.

  • Linda

    I laughed and laughed and laughed while reading this. Vivian, you’re wonderful!!!

    And Jessica, you took a page from my life. Had just about the same conversation with my husband. lol

  • Cindy W

    It’s 1:00 a.m. in the morning, and I’ve been sitting here laughing out loud, wondering if I might be waking up ‘the man’ and realizing he is snoring louder than I am laughing. Go figure. Wonder how many points he’ll give himself for that? Thanks for a great laugh.

  • Hi Vivian – I remain a married man after 42 years of marriage – and my wife and I both enjoyed your blog post today! Great and funny stuff. Thank you for that.

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