Do the angels whisper them to you, or is it just plagiarism?

(The first in a series where I, The Great Vivo, answer your questions about the meaning of life.)

 Thank you for asking, Myrtle, or Persephone, or what ever your name is. Jeeze, I hope it’s not Tiffany because I have sworn to never speak to anyone named Tiffany. If your parents name you “Tiffany” and you don’t have the gumption to change it the minute you turn 18 then you must be shunned until you Do The Right Thing.

So let’s say your name is Not Tiffany. And so, Not Tiffany, I am touched by your question which, judging from the way you worded it, leads me to believe that you assume that there are ideas out there worth plagiarising.  I find this heartbreakingly sweet.  Because the fact is that there are hardly ANY ideas out there that are worth stealing, which only a true innocent (whose imaginary friend is a rose-colored unicorn) would not have noticed by now.  Honey, the world is a cesspool of bad — really, really bad — ideas.  I hate to break it to you.

In my particular line of work (wordsmithing) it’s like people are working overtime to come up with the worst possible ideas they can crap out between hard covers. And I’m not just talking about Sarah Palin’s new book, or the book  that the White House Party Crashers are rumored to be getting a truck load of money to have ghost written for them.

I’m talking about the shinola that oozes off the pages of any given New York Times Book Review on any given week.

Here, Not Tiffany, is my list of True Things That People Write Books About Which I Will Never Read Let Alone Plagerize:

Shopping  to Compensate for Low Self Esteem

Redecorating a House After Divorce (in other words, same as above only with different name brands)

Vampires

Addiction

Infertility

Infidelity

Coming of Age

Depression (or its literary cousin, Ennui)

Autism

Skiing

Sailors, Sailing, or Boats of any kind — EXCEPT a life raft. I rather enjoy stories that take place in life rafts.

Any book that has “Stones” in the title

Any novel about Giants, Little People, or Hunchbacks

Any book set in Cuba, Haiti, Scranton, or Switzerland

Any work of fiction about College Professors, Perverts, Nazis, Mutes, or Pirates

Any book about dogs, because they always die in the end

Amish romances

Teenagers and their finding of redemption (puh-leeze)

Meat

So there you are, Not Tiffany.  Due to the appalling lack of good ideas out there, I am forced to come up with my own original thoughts. This, Not Tiffany, is hard, hard work. But it helps that I happen to have two of the best muses in the Muse Biz to inspire me to the dizzy heights of creativity.

Meet my muses, Ron:

And Not Zack/Justin/Josh/Dylan:

(You can find your own muses by going to eBay and searching for Ugly Christmas Sweaters. There are 975  to choose from.  Is the internet great or what??)

And thank you again, everyone who emailed me about my Holiday Card. My list is CLOSED for this year — finito, finished, a la fin, etc. — but that’s only the beginning of the Winter Happiness Season Fun that we’ll have here in the Wonderful World of Vivian. Stay tuned.