Because instead of having rich friends who talk behind my back (which is why I LOVE The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, New York, Atlanta, OC, and NJ) I have cats who have no trouble getting in my face:
Also, I do not spend my days shopping or party planning. Instead, I spend my days sitting at a desk, which is even more boring than it sounds because when I write I sit at a desk that faces a blank white wall because it’s better for my creative process to have NO DISTRACTIONS. Did I mention that I have cats?
Having a camera crew following my every move would probably make my cats all nervous and skittish:
But then again, maybe not.
The only thing I can do like a realty TV diva is get bat-shit crazy when people don’t oblige my sense of entitlement. I’m talking about you, Apple Store in Manhasset, Long Island:
This store is famous for the 80-year old woman walked smack into one of its glass doors (she didn’t know it was glass) and sued it for $1 million. I thought that lady was nuts until I bought my iPad and my computer here and now I hate this place so much I hope that lady got every penny. All I want is, for the $99 I paid for unlimited One-On-One tech support, to actually get me, once even, a One-On-One session. Instead, I get stuck in Group Lessons with s-l-o-w old people and an instructor who, when I ask him to show me how to enable the damn vertical ruler on their shitty word processing program called Pages, starts in on a ten minute discussion on iCloud instead. “We’re getting to your vertical ruler question,” he assured me in a typically patronizing tone of voice using the royal “we”, when I stopped him at the six-minute mark. Actually, I began to bang my head on the table. (In my defense, I’ve been writing the garden book all week and writing without a vertical ruler makes a little tense.) And then it got worse.
You should have seen me when I said I can’t take this group bullshit, where’s my One-On-One and was told that, heh heh, Apple’s $99 One-On-One program isn’t really One-On-One, heh heh, the name really should be changed and most people just love taking the group classes. I would say that the fit I pitched was reality TV-worthy. Dude, I know I look like most people, but inside I’m as insane as a Persian cutie-pie with with severe anger management issues:
I really, really hate Apple. I miss Microsoft Word. I miss being able to Print Select, right click spell check, have a default setting that STAYS default, etc. And I miss my @**!@ vertical ruler. And I wonder, just because I look like I could be someone’s mitten-knitting auntie, if people think I’m not dangerous any more. I hate that, too.
So, excepting for when I’m hauling off on Apple’s dim witted “geniuses” I lead a pretty interior life, not suitable for film.
I doubt that what I consider really exciting is anything that would make for great TV:
Last Sunday I was thrilled when I went out to re-fill the cat food bowl that I leave outside for our opossum friend to find that he’d left me a present and I ran in to tell Top Cat GUESS WHAT!!! MR. POSSUM LEFT ME A CARDINAL FEATHER!!!! In my experience, reality TV people only get this excited over slander law suits and when another real housewife looks at them funny.
P.S. Monique — that’s the last of our snow here on the Long Island Sound…well, for now.
The latest panic started on Wednesday when Lonnie Quinn of the TV@ Weather Center cut into my Judge Judy time to show us what might, maybe, possibly, could happen in the next 48 hours. This is the dire forecast for Thursday:
But it was what could maybe, might, possibly, could happen on FRIDAY that got him really riled up, so much so that he had to roll up his shirt sleeves and jump onto TV to let us know about it 48 freaking hours in advance:
Jeeze, Lonnie. Even by my low standards of ordinary life this is a non-event.
BTW, I got the Champagne-O-Meter ready for this March blizzard. This is Thursday:
And this is Friday:
Commentor Judith asked a very interesting question in the Comments last week. She asked Does [an illustration] exist in your mind, and you uncover it step by step? Or do you create it as you go along, building it up step by step?
Oh yes, definitely YES I plan a picture out before I paint it. For instance, when I did this picture (the one I painted for you on last week’s blog):
I absolutely planned beforehand what I would paint first, what went second, what had to be done thirdly, etc. I thought about what shape I had to paint, where the darks and lights would go, what range of green colors I would use. In a future WIP show-and-tell I will show you how I plan a picture because ever since I’ve been taking the trouble to stop and think before hand about what goes where, I’ve found that I don’t screw up as many illustrations. But that’s me (I’m a Capricorn). Some people might love the process of painting so much that their canvases are opportunities for discovery, but not me. I am a results-oriented person and I quake until I have a plan of attack mapped out in my head.
And this brings us to the painting portion of today’s post. This is the only pic I did this week, the week of hammering the keyboard (otherwise known as the other part of my job description, writing).
This is a picture of Edinburgh that I had to do from memory — no reference photos — because I only have pix of this place during the day and I wanted to paint what it looked like in early evening. And yes, I still thought out ahead of time where the lights and darks had to go, because I also have to be able to drop in text. So here goes:
Well, I thought this pic was done until I took a good look at it:
And NOW it’s done:
Yes, I corrected the perspective of the wall on the left, made the bench on that wall “pop” a bit more, and had to make the tree silhouettes less wimpy. Text will go in the green lawn. But the real reason I wanted to paint this pic is for those little landmarks in the background:
This is a really small detail in this illustration but it’s crucial to me. The tea bag was too big to show you the scale and because this blog has readers from afar (yes! really! Australia and the UK!) I couldn’t use a dime — so I used something that I think is universal.
As I write this it is 6:39 Thursday night and whoa, nellie. There are actual flakes falling from the sky! I hope to have a great Champagne-O-Meter pic for you tomorrow!