This is a photograph of a Mercedes SUV stuck on top of a pile of snow, taken by me (yours truly) at 4:40 PM on March 3, 2021 here on the north shore of Long Island. I was driving my car on Stoneytown Road in Plandome Manor and I had to pull over, and stop laughing, to get this shot. I mean, it’s not every day you see an $80,000 – $109,000 car in this kind of compromising position.
Now, some people might have indulged in a moment of glee that some Gold Coast Karen had got her GLS-class luxury ride in a predicament, but not me. Yes, I was laughing, but I was laughing because it’s been a long pandemic and an even longer Trumpocracy and I had almost given up on finding anything delightful or inspiring about the human race, but this sight, here, renewed my faith in the wonder of people and I was full of mirth and delight.
I know how that SUV got stuck atop this pile of snow, its front wheels hanging uselessly in mid-air as its undercarriage is fixed at the apex of a frosty isosceles. (The tow truck showed up seconds after I snapped this pic.)
We’ve had snow, a lot of snow, on the ground here on the north shore of Long Island since the blizzard of February 1, which has been refreshened by picturesque snow dumps every five days or so. It’s been a very scenic Winter.
However, this past week, it’s been sunny and warmer, and things have begun to thaw out and the streets are clearing and some yards are even snow-free; the only remaining signs of Winter are the huuuuuge mounds of snow that were snow-plowed there on every street corner.
So, you’re in your Mercedes, and you’re about to make a right turn onto Cardinal Road, and you see a big pile of snow jutting out into the roadbed, and instead of making your way around it like you’ve been doing since February 1, you say to yourself, “Fuck it. I’m gonna see what five thousand pounds (2500 kilos) of luxury German engineering can do!”, and you gun it, straight into that pile of snow, that beautiful, slushy, smash-worthy pile of old snow.
Sadly, you’ve forgotten one thing. Sure, lately, it’s been sunny and in the 40s (degrees F; that’s 5 degrees C), but today is the first day of a brutal cold snap, and what was mere slush 24 hours ago is, in fact, today, a rock-hard pile of ice.
And thus, your magnificent piece of Teutonic manufacture doesn’t get you through the snow; it has enough powerful momentum to get you up the glacier-like incline but, because of the laws of physics and common sense, the front wheels lose purchase for the down-side and fate leaves you there, up in the air, stranded, to contemplate the life decisions that brought you to this stand-still. (You can’t see in the angle of my photo that the back wheels are also dangling a few inches above the asphalt.)
I, for one, applaud you, you hapless driver of Mercedes GLS-class SUV. You saw a chance, a chance to have a moment — a fleeting instant, a blink-of-an-eye millisecond — of fun in this sad and awful world (in the form of a pile of snow v. Stuttgart’s finest) and you went for it.
OK, things turned out to be not as fun as you expected, but there’s a German word for that (of course there’s a German word for that, the German language being rich in describing subtle shades of disappointment): Verschlimmbesserung, so it’s not as if you’ve been any more of a sad-sack than all those whose vast experience of let-downs provided the etymology for Verschlimmbesserung.
Take heart, dear driver, as I do, in your derring-do, your quest to feel larger and more alive, to break free from the dull constraints of pandemic routine, the maddening mediocrity of middle age (because no one young drives a Mercedes SUV), and the soul-robbing conformity of traffic laws.
You remind me what it is to feel alive.
No, not the feeling of the fruitless spinning of wheels, not the embarrassment of hoisting yourself onto your own literal or metaphoric iceberg, not the painful expense of rectifying a lapse in judgement.
The feeling of being truly alive is about feeling awake and welcoming to the possibilities of every moment, to leaping into the unknown, to surprising yourself with your own audaciousness.
Whoever you are, yon driver of that Mercedes GLS-class SUV on Cardinal Road, I want to be your new best friend.
Better yet, I want to make better friends with that part of me who would be stupid enough to plow my car into a pile of snow for chance to be in the middle of sparkly, shiny, ice-crystal smithereens.
Let’s live it up while we can.
With this in mind, maybe this week’s news won’t seem so depressingly idiotic. Maybe we’ll even have a laugh at the lunacy.
Let’s test this theory, starting with the annual American conservative gathering-of-the-morons:
Conservatives, including evangelicals, lined up to get their photo taken with a golden statue of
a calf Trump:
I’ll transcribe the caption for you: The statue that is turning heads at CPAC is really just an appetizer for the real thing, though. It’s the fiberglass mold of the stainless steel sculpture that Tommy Zagan (the artist) has stored in Tampa Florida. Making that statue cast him his life savings of $50,000. He apparently wants to sell that one for more the $1 million, but if he can’t, he wants it to go in the Trump Presidential Library. “It is museum-quality, and that’s the one I’m eventually hoping to get in the Trump library,” Zegan told CNN. “It’s is literally priceless.” [Even though Zegan has actually put a price on it.]
Zegan told Politico that the fiberglass was made in Mexico over a period of six months in the resort town of Rosario. He then took it to Tampa, Florida where it was painted in chrome, and then got a U-Haul to transport it to CPAC. “If someone offered me $100,00 I’d take it,” Zegan said.
P.S. Turns out, the statue was actually made in China. don’t tell the raid anti-China CPACers.
Speaking of morons, let’s see who the FBI has arrested lately for the insurrection of January 6:
Speaking of morons, let’s see what’s been happening in the Republican party:
FYI: Steve Scalise is the representative of Louisiana’s 1st congressional district:
The Republicans are suing in the Supreme Court to overturn voting rights in Arizona:
Speaking of morons, let’s see what’s news in TrumpWorld:
It can happen! Arrests can be made!!
And then this happened, and the Republicans were shitting themselves over “cancel culture”:
The fine print says: “If I Ran The Zoo”, “And To Think That I Saw It On Mulberry Street”, “On Beyond Zebra”, and “McElliot’s Pool” were among the six Dr. Seuss books that his estate said “portray people in ways that are hurtful and wrong.”
To own the libs, Don Jr. put out a photo of him and one of his spawn reading Cat in the Hat in defiance (Cat in the Hat is not one of the six books being put on the out-of-print list):
And everyone noticed that he was holding the book strangely…to cover up the fact that it’s a Spanish version of Cat in the Hat.
Other conservatives got on board, trying to slam-dunk on “cancel culture”:
Hey, guys? You know that “cancel culture” you’re bitching about?
Here’s a look at why the Seuss estate wants to “cancel” some of Dr. Seuss’s old books:
So that’s all the news I’ve got for you. So, now for something completely different:
This really happened, at London Euston station:
The tabby was spotted on an Avanti West Coast train, sitting atop the 125 m[h Pendolino service at 8:30PM on March 3. The train was due to leave for Manchester at 9PM. Passengers were put on a replacement train, as staff took this one out of service to try and coax the cat down. In total it took two and a half hours to coax the cat down to safety away from the 25,000-volt lines which power trains.
That’s all the cat news I have for you this week. But please enjoy these snippets about another furry delight, the American Trash Panda:
Have a great weekend, everyone. Go do something ridiculous, out of character, and pointless, and please have a ball while doing it. And then, tell us all about it.