How To Lose Your Appetite And Other Tales of Love and Romance.

I am a 5’6″ tall writer. This is a story about how, when I weighed  142 pounds, I was a size 8-10.

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And then I lost 30 pounds and now that I weigh 112, I am a size 2-4.

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Recreating the previous pose, in my back yard, Thursday afternoon. That’s yesterday, for those of you Dear Readers reading this on Friday.

Yes, as you can see, I have lost  a whole big fat lazy cat’s worth of flubber (foreground, which we call “Lickety”). Since I have mentioned this weight loss before, and a few of you Dear Readers have asked how I did it, today I think it’s time that I shared with you the secret of how I got skinny.

It started with what I call:

The Bounty of the Streets Long Island Diet.

Here’s how it goes: It is dawn at the local Long Island Rail Road Station, and for the commute into Manhattan…

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… and the streets offer a breakfast of banana, three tangerines, and half a bottle of orange juice.

Lunch comes in the form of a nutritious and calorie-soncscious hard-boiled egg…

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…and for Dinner, YUM! The American classic!:

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But of course, I jest. I will resist the urge to digress on the subject of The People of Long Island Are Pigs.

So here’s how I actually lost 30 pounds last year on what I call  The Beige Food Diet.

Here is an ordinary box of Whoppers. I think they are called Malteasers in the UK.

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This is a Whopper:

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It is a malted milk ball, and it is not at all whopping big — it’s about the size of a marble. I happen to really like Whoppers, but it’s not because of the chocolate. It’s the beige inside of the Whopper that makes it my favorite food:

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That’s the malted part of the milk ball. I have no idea what “malted”, or “malt” is, but I love the taste. But of course I didn’t go on the Whopper Diet.

This discussion of Whoppers is what we professional writers call a “teaser”. Or a “lead.” Or “foreshadowing.” I forget which.

It’s how we get a reader’s attention. Are you still with me? So let’s skip ahead to the scientific part of the story, the good news that I long to share with you all:

Back in January/February of 2014, I read about an instant food that was devised by computer guys in Silicon Valley. Nothing says YUM like  Silicon Valley  instant food. So I immediately ordered the starter kit, which  cost $80.00:P1000115

Yes, it’s called Soylent. Those kids in Silicon Valley really know their pop culture.

Turned out that the demand for Soylent is so high that I had to wait six months to get my first shipment.

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In your starter kit you get a pitcher, a measuring cup, a booklet all about the instant food you are about to ingest, 8 bags of Soylent, and 8 little bottles of oil mixture:P1000117

This photo above represents 32 meals of Soylent.

A pitcher of Soylent stays good for 48 hours, but I  prefer to mix my Soylent case-by-case. That is, meal by meal.

The way I mix individual portions is I use an old Smuckers organic peanut butter jar.  You have to shake your Soylent mixture  and my old Smuckers organic jar comes with a lid. Fancy!

So, first, I measure out one measuring cup of Soylent powder:

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The powder smells insanely wonderful, like cake mix. Sweet, and delicate, and nostalgic.

Then I add 2 teaspoons of oil stuff.  It includes various plant oils and some fish oils, but it does NOT smell or taste “fishy”. In fact, it is as bland as sunflower oil:

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Then I add two measuring cups of water:

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Then I shake it for 60 seconds to blend it thoroughly:

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Add ice cubes and voila: I have a hearty, nutritious meal:

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Many people complain about the taste of Soylent, so they doctor it up with flavorings such as banana (barf) or peanut butter (drinkable peanut butter? Oh, puke.) or chocolate. I think they are all crazy. Pure Soylent tastes just like the inside of a Whopper and, in case you haven’t noticed, it LOOKS like it too!

Soylent is my go-to food, and I highly recommend it, but Soylent actually only helped me lose the last 10-12 of my 30 pounds, although it has helped me maintain my current weight of 112 for over a year.

Here’s the real and honest truth.

I do not want to swindle you, my Dear Readers, into thinking that my losing 30 pounds was pure will power on my superhuman part. Who do I think I am? — Nicole “No Botox/I’m Afraid of Surgery” Kidman?

My weight loss  started in January of 2014, when I became very, very, very, very pissed off with Top Cat. My husband is a kind and generous and funny and sexy man and I adore him. But you know how it is, if ever you’ve been married. Every once in a while — in my case, every decade or so (in an eleven-year marriage) — there comes a time when you hate your spouse’s guts so much that you want to turn them into Prometheus just so you can eviscerate them with your bare hands, and then wait overnight for their liver to re-generate, and go back the next day and gorge them with a butter knife and yank out their bloody entrails inch by agonizing inch, and wait overnight so in the morning you can go after them with an ice pick and hack at their bile ducts until they look like hamburger… We’ve all been there, right? Right?

Yes. I was a snarling, adrealine-crazed, vicious, screaming, out-of-control madwoman who was righteously and revengefully furious at her spouse. The only reason i didn’t kill him was because I couldn’t think of a way that I could get away with it.

Well, eventually, the issue got resolved, and I accepted that when I married the love of my life, I did so because  the problems that this adorable, complex, irresistible creature presented were the problems that I chose to make my life meaningful.

However, the good thing is that, because of all this hatred that  I lived and breathed for six weeks, I completely lost my appetite . Most of all, I lost all interest in comfort eating. The whole time  I was in a rage, I  gave not a thought about my darling Rice Krispies Treats, my vanilla Oreos, my Heath Bars, my Sugar Babies, my Milk Duds, my Whoppers, my etc etc etc.

When, before I knew it, I’d lost 20 pounds, I did not let my sweet tooth take hold up again. I turned to Soylent, and an eating plan based on actual need (not want), and here I am. I weigh as much as I did in high school and I am never hungry. And I feel pretty damn good.

My excess 30 pounds wishes all of you a Happy Weekend.

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More info about Soylent:

Soylent™ was developed from a need for a simpler food source. Creator Robert Rhinehart and team developed Soylent after recognizing the disproportionate amount of time and money they spent creating nutritionally complete meals.

Soylent is a food product (classified as a food, not a supplement, by the FDA) designed for use as a staple meal by all adults. Each serving of Soylent provides maximum nutrition with minimum effort.

What is Soylent made of? (Hint: It’s not people.)

Carbohydrates — 255g

Protein — 114g

Fatty Acids — 70g

Omega 3 Fatty Acids — 2.5g

Fiber — 27g

Potassium — 3500mg

Sodium — 1050mg

Calcium — 1000mg

Phosphorus — 700mg

Magnesium — 400mg

Vitamin Bp — 1375mg

Vitamin C — 90mg

Vitamin B3 — 16mg

Vitamin E — 15mg

Zinc — 11mg

Iron — 21.5mg

Vitamin B5 — 5mg

Manganese — 2.3mg

10 Comments, RSS

  1. janet b. July 17, 2015 @ 9:01 am

    you look great.

  2. Megan July 17, 2015 @ 9:07 am

    It’s the green one that’s made out of people. Does it really taste like Malteasers??? OH my what do the cats think, that they are living with a crazy person… all they do is eat and dream of the next meal. Glad you feel great and are happy being skinny, never mind the incredulity of the cats.

  3. jeanie July 17, 2015 @ 9:07 am

    I’m just glad it’s not green! That would be carrying pop culture too far! Good for you on the weight loss. That first 20 pounds, probably not the best way to lose it emotionally but sometimes any way is the best way! And it all worked out in the end!

    Love the whoppers… who can resist? Well, I guess YOU can! Happy Weekend!

  4. Patricia July 17, 2015 @ 9:24 am

    Kudos to you for all your hard work. I’ve never had 20 lb just slip off unnoticed. Nor have I EVER forgotten to eat. Just not that kind of person. I wake up in the morning thinking about breakfast. And lunch. And dinner… and maybe dinner tomorrow night too.
    You looked damn good before and now you look fabulous.

  5. Patricia July 17, 2015 @ 9:26 am

    But I really don’t want to go on the “I want to kill my husband diet”…

  6. Joan July 17, 2015 @ 12:32 pm

    Very impressive weight loss, Vivian! You look positively stunning.

    I lost 60 lbs on WW in 2008, kept it off for over a year, then gradually my old sweet tooth of legendary proportions crept back in, I retired from cooking at home, and gradually packed the weight back on, not all of it, but still.

    I’ve never heard of Soylent except in terms of the ghastly movie, Soylent Green. EWWWW.

    I’m very interested in trying this product, but a 6 months wait? Yikes.

    I had to laugh at the nickname Flubber…what in the world does that cat eat to be so round? Is there a Soylent for cats and dogs?

  7. Laura July 17, 2015 @ 2:11 pm

    What a remarkable difference 30 lbs. makes in your appearance, but also in overall health and energy. Do you feel like you’ve set down an armload of cats? Enjoy (and keep) your new self. Congratulations.

  8. Casey July 18, 2015 @ 8:48 am

    love it

  9. Joan July 20, 2015 @ 4:56 pm

    How is it that I’m the only one leaving a comment? Is there a glitch in the comment system?

  10. Dawn July 21, 2015 @ 4:29 pm

    I think you said you wd be out of internet contact for the weekend. I was worried, too, Joan, when I “tuned in” and nothing new was there, then I re-read.
    Tell us next week,Vivian You look great.

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