What Day Is It? It’s Cinco de Mayo Minus Four.

Dedicated to Dear Reader Alexandra McKenzie.

I went into self-quarantine on March 15, the day my gym closed, so today is my 48th day in isolation. The reason that I have  not kept a journal of this time is because when I exiled myself to Taffy Cat Manor, I did not think this would not last longer than three weeks, max.

As I stocked up on vodka, ground turkey, and raisins (my staples) for the “long haul”, I also had no sense of history. I did not suspect that this would be a turning point in the history of the world. I didn’t anticipate that we’d go deeper into the evil heart of Republican politics. I didn’t foresee the trauma that has come to be an everyday misery.  I had no inkling that this was going to leave so many of us, and so many of our institutions, permanently damaged.

Nope. I just didn’t think of it. If the thought had crossed my mind, I’m sure I would have dismissed it as being way too far-fetched.

But here we are.

Another truth that has come to light: This pandemic has confirmed that there is not an economy in the history of the world in which I would be considered an essential worker.

Because here’s what I know how to do:

Grade diamonds.

Authenticate Faberge.

Appraise rare timepieces from the 16th – 20th centuries.

Cut up old books and make castles.

The most recent work-in-progress.

I have felt bad about being such a trivial person. I would like to be doing my bit to keep our society functioning, even at this low hum. So here’s what I did last week: I applied to the grocery store where I shop, the local Stop and Shop, for a job. I told the HR manager that I was ridiculously healthy and fit and, I quote, ” I’m ready to do anything where I don’t have to interact with customers. I can clean and take out garbage and stock shelves but I’m not good with the public.” I think we can all agree that I was being modest. I should have said, “I fucking hate the public and I would do permanent damage to your brand if you put me in the front of the store.”

Well, I haven’t heard back from them yet, but any day now, I could become a hero.

Taffy has got his lockdown life down pat. Below are pictures I took this past week. I swear, they were taken on many different days, but as you can see, Taffy’s Monday doesn’t look a whole lot different from his Friday:





And let’s give Bibs some love today. He doesn’t like to get his picture taken, but he sat still yesterday so I could get this:

That’s the news from My Life In Quarantine.

And, oh yeah. Fuck Trump.



















And this is why we love Helen Mirren, who posted her Before and After Quarantine pix:

This is from a real restaurant in Austin, Texas:







I’ll be back on Wednesday with a special edition of The Times and Life of Being Bored. The other night, I was lying in bad at 2am, scrolling through my phone, and I found a lot of interesting stuff about language, such as this:


I also found this:


If you think this kind of stuff is worth a minute or two of your time, you’ll definitely want to meet me here on Wednesday.

Have a great weekend, everyone. Stay inside. Stay healthy. sSay away from Michigan and Georgia and Texas. Enjoy the beauty of every waking moment.

Stay as far away from this guy as possible:





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