It’s cold and gray today here on the north shore of Long Island. I would complain that it’s May for christ sake and we shouldn’t have to wear Winter coats for the one hour that we are allowed to be outside, but I’m trying to change my ways and be a happy hamster for once.
Thank you to everyone who left a nice Comment about last week’s story of my general uselessness in times of woe such as these. This week I’m feeling pretty righteous, as I have been doing my duty to my fellow Americans, above and beyond just staying at home. I’ve been driving Top Cat to the train station every morning so he could take the LIRR into Manhattan to do his essential work there.
This week his company is printing mail-in ballots. We’re going to need millions of them. A judge told New York State that it must hold its primary on June 23, even though the Republicans have cancelled putting their ticket up for approval because, Duh, they are still kissing Donald Trump’s ass, and the Democrats have pretty much settled on Joe Biden as the eventual nominee. Our governor had previously cancelled the primary on the grounds that it was mostly symbolic anyway and it was still too risky to send millions of people into small rooms during a pandemic to vote, but those shits, Andrew Yang and Bernie Sanders, sued to have it reinstated. So there goes Top Cat, back into the epicenter of the plague, upholding democracy, printing mail-in ballots for a completely disengaged populace for a totally stupid primary, and there goes me, driving him to the train station at 7:18am every morning. In any other year, this would be kind of funny, but this year…it’s not.
Apart from driving to the railroad station every morning, there is very little that I have to show up for. (Thank you, COVID-19.) And still, I find it hard to fit all the not-doing I have to not-do into my days. (Thank you, growing sense that “languid” is the new black.)
The current challenge, speaking of making castles, is to make this roof out of paper:
The problem is that all four sides of the roof have to turn up at the ends, while also fanning out in a slope. This is because evil spirits can only travel in straight lines so such a roof will ward off demons. (Thank you, Buddhists.)
So far, I know four ways of not making it. So last evening I finally called upon an outside consultant, an expert in paper and 3D design, namely, Top Cat. We sat at the patio table (it was a rare mild and sunny evening) and he drew some plans, and cut some strips of paper, and taped stuff together, and re-cut etc, while I kept company with a fine pinot grigio. And by George, I think he solved it. As soon as I hit “Publish” on this I will go to work and see if I can re-create what he created. And then, I have to see if I can do it 23 more times — I plan on making a really complicated sky-scraper castle because I have nothing else to do.
Last week, Top Cat asked me to mail a stack of envelopes. He still pays our bills by check because he actually enjoys the process, everything except for writing our return address on the outer envelopes because it’s nobody’s business where we live, so I walked to our post office and dropped about seven envelopes through the chute marked Out Of Town.
Well, turns out that when Top Cat says “Will you please mail these for me?”, he also means, “And don’t forget to put stamps on all of them.”
So our cable got turned off last night for non-payment, and now my phone won’t let me access the latest pictures of Taffy sleeping (I’m sure it’s retribution).
So you’ll have to make do with this until next Friday and when we get our good names back:
By the way, since every day is pretty much the same as the day before or after, I’ve decided that every day around us here at Taffy Acres is Cinco de Mayo. I’m open minded. I can memorialize the 1862 Mexican victory over the Napoleonic enemy with an Italian wine or a Swedish vodka. There are no rules anymore.
Except for, oh yeah: Fuck Trump.
I fact-checked this, and it’s almost completely true. Here’s the skinny:
- The largest recipient of COVID-19 bailout loans, Trump campaign donor Monty Bennett, announced Saturday he would return all money received through the Paycheck Protection Program.
- Bennett’s conglomerate of 128 hotels received, collectively, more than $58 million through the PPP.
- The Ashford Group of Companies said in a statement to investors it would return all funds due to the Small Business Administration’s “recently changed rules and inconsistent federal guidance that put the companies at compliance risk.”
- The news came just hours after Democratic nominee Joe Biden blasted Bennett in a tweet, demanding he return the money so the government can “give it to the small businesses that need it.”
Jesus. I hope somebody gets prosecuted once we get a Democratic president in the White House.
On with the show:
Have a great weekend, everyone. If you see an Andrew Yang or a Bernie Sanders supporter, please punch them in the face for New York, and for America.