Sooooo, how was your week?
After four long, long, years, my bruised and battered soul is feeling euphoric, and it’s got me in an emotional spin cycle. But it’s a good problem to have.
This is how I got my case of The Happies:
I ran out into the street yelling for Top Cat, and shouting JOE BIDEN IS THE 46th PRESIDENT . . . to no one because we live on a very quiet street. I went back into the house looking for Top Cat and I found him upstairs watching English Premiere League soccer on TV and I said TURN ON CNN!!!!
And we both cried and hugged each other. The relief is something that I’ve never felt before.
(Lifts imaginary glass of champagne to all you Dear Readers): We did it. Here’s to us!
Ah yes, the GOP Shit-for-Brains syndrome…now I understand how fellow conspiracy theorist Rudy Giuliani ended up holding a press conference in the parking lot of Four Seasons Total Landscaping to address voter fraud in Pennsylvania:
In response to this alleged massive voter fraud, Trump set up a hotline so citizens could call in tips about the massive voter fraud they witnessed in their states. Instantly, it was flooded with prank calls about massive voter fraud. As a result of being flooded with prank calls about massive voter fraud, Trump’s forces have to get a new phone number and his daughter-in-law Lara tweeted this:
Wait..does she not get how pranks work? The whole point is to harass them so that they have to keep changing the phone number.
Anyway, we accepted her challenge and we kept calling.
Yes, I said “we”. Me, I began calling the first hot line number. Fun fact: the people manning the phones answer your call with “Trump War Room”, which is hilarious and makes it really hard to keep from laughing as soon as you hear that. Who are they going to war against? America?
For my first call, I reported that people were still voting at the rec center in my town of Roslyn NY and then I whispered “And a lot of those people are Black so you better hurry down here before they steal everything!”
I was pretending to be a typical Trumper, but as soon as I said it, I regretted it. It felt bad even pretending to be a racist.
So, for my follow up calls, I identified the people trying to steal the election as Communists, as Socialists, as my ex-brother-in-law, as supporters of Alexandria Ocasio Cortez, and as Vegetarians.
When the Trump War Room changed their phone number, I also called the new number, but all I got was a taped message and an invitation to leave my report of massive voter fraud when I heard the beep.
That’s when I began taking up time and space in the Trump War Room by reading aloud from the new J. Peterman catalogue I’d gotten in the mail. So now the Trump War Room knows about some nifty pointelle sweaters for $198, pajamas for $128, and a Prince of Wales double-breasted blazer for $498.
Oh, god. It was all such good, clean, innocent fun.
However, some people are getting tired of this game, such as the Montana Secretary of State:
Even the Department of Homeland Security has had enough, and on Thursday, November 12, it did this:
It’s a lovely thing, when the Department of Homeland Security issues a memo from in the Cybersecurity & Infrastructure Security Agency in a joint statement with the Elections Infrastructure Government Coordinating Council and the Election Infrastructure Sector Coordinating Executive Committees orders Donald Trump, ex-president of the United States, to Shut The Fuck Up.
You can read the whole glorious, unequivocal statement for yourself here.
Dear Readers, I’m sure that you all are feeling it. The elation is still there, of course. . .
. . . but now that the victory is sinking in, we have to reckon with what this country is in the wake of Donald Trump:
And let’s not forget the most important thing about who were are as a country:
In Arizona, Navaho Nation showed up at the polls, in total casting 76,000 votes; 97% went to Biden.
Have a great weekend, Dear Ones. I’ve been so busy with post-election pre-hangover jubilation that I haven’t even told you all about the exciting things happening elsewhere in the non-Trump spheres of joy (my Korean husbands BTS are in full Come Back mode, it’s been a spectacular Fall season here on the north shore of Long Island, and I have a new art project to share) so let’s all get back to normal next week.
In the meantime, all I have to say is: